October 2019 Review

Oct has come and go all too quickly. As time would I suppose. Things seem to move at a scary speed these days. I barely am aware of a lot things that are happening around me. It felt like I'm standing in a middle of a fast-forward situation and I can only observe how fast it goes.

All this is not surprising at all. It has been mentioned even in the Quran. But to witness and experience it as clearly now is scary. Because it signals the near to end of time.

Okay, now back to what I really want to write about in this post. Some review of what happened in October:

1. Students' exam and marking of papers.
2. Some meetings in between.
3. Conferences! ICERP 2019 and IRMIC 2019 (So relieved that it's done now, don't wanna think about conference no more till end of the year)
4. Wrapping up the review of students' mark.
5. We paint our house!!! Well, not the whole house, but the living, dining and hallway areas. The crazy things I do when I have tons of other things to do. Yes, dats me. 
6. Prepping for next month craziness - school holiday, new sem, and my seminar presentation!

That's about it I think. To more productive and more writing in the future too. inshaAllah.

October 2019

It's October now, and that means it's exam month for the students in my workplace. And it also means a bit more free time for me to focus on PhD work that's been pending for some times. I'm glad I got to meet my SV, Dr Arshad to discuss the progress. A few things has been cleared alhamdulillah, it's now time to properly arrange it and tidy it up.

Entering 2nd year of PhD study, I thought by now I have somewhat master the art of balancing my tasks. It turns out, I'm still as how I used to when I started. Not sure if it's a good thing, or maybe I'm just better at letting things go and go with the flow? I dunno anymore. It REALLY feels like a rollercoaster tide. The emotions, the feelings, the never-ending work, the life, the everything. One day I woke up feeling pumped, and the next day I feel like I'm stuck in the deep. Oh myy....

Staying positive despite it all. This nonsense rambling looks exactly like what's in my head. A mishmash of everything....😭😭

Stuck in a Rut

Well, the weeks leading up to Eid-Adha, and the school holiday that comes after it has been long and draggy if I'm being honest. A lot of my work-plan got postponed and my mojo went on holiday too. A far too long a holiday I'd say. Now that I'm back at work, my mojo did not. Huh.

I've been feeling stuck lately. There are so much that I need to do, but the dread of starting and the fear of not finishing has somehow stopped me on my track. I'm in limbo, living in my own head. I hate this feeling. But at the moment I'm not strong enough to fight it. I want to, but I just can't seem to. Sighhhhhhh.

I think I need to climb back up to the surface..it's suffocating and soul-crushing being down here. 

Feelings

To be honest, I feel slightly anxious-overwhelmed-despair to come back to work after two weeks break. It has not been a good break, but I did try to make the most out of it. The first week was spent arranging for class, recording lesson, updating my Padlet, and just corresponding with students on any rising issue. And to update my resume too. It took a while to finish..haven't done so since working where I am now. I forgot what to add, and what to highlight. But, not that some research won't help. I'm glad I did managed to come up with a new updated resume for me to add more in the future. 

So, I'll be going back to work tomorrow. I need to seriously set my mind to finish all the pending tasks when I was gone. So much to catch up on. I am gonna write everything down and tackle it one by one. InshaAllah. I have set my mind to be productive and focus on doing my PhD proposal in any given pockets of free time that I got at work. Need to seriously set a timeline for me. no time to lose anymore. What more, Dr Arshad also gonna retire soon. Need to finish while he's still available. I don't want any other supervisor. I am comfortable working with him..and hope that I can stay with him throughout. 

A totally unrelated pic of when I was in Perth. It was a happy time it was.

Coming back to my feelings...I think I need to write more to let out what I feel. It feels suffocating and burdening to be thinking in my head all the time. I need to learn to process my feelings and emotions better. There will be triggers I know, but I am thinking of an exit plan should it happen, and maybe steps on how I can mitigate the impact of the trigger. I don't think I want to talk about what happened to anyone. Maybe just entertaining their simple questions will be okay. I'm gonna mind my own business at work..just focusing on finishing whatever that I need to do. Not gonna meddle with anymore gossip/etc that's going on at the office. 

I'm done being the victim of office politics. I felt wronged, cheated, betrayed by those I trust. And I won't forgive them. I feel like running away, and start anew at a new place. But, circumstances won't let me. I'll just need to hang on, soldier on, do the best I can, finish my PhD as quickly as I can..and then only I can look for other options. That's the plan for now. 

I will trust my heart to be strong, to keep on keeping on, to heal, and to grow beyond what has happened. It is but a bump in the road of life. Terrified as I may, it is part of Allah's plan. I will just need to trust Him. And to continue praying and hoping for the best and the strength to move on. 

Ahhhhh...it's a relief to be writing this out. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.....

INFJ-A

Recently, I've been liking certain posts on Instagram. Some of it are memes, others are just quotes and inspo. In some of the post, it was written INFJ. I vaguely know about the personality test MBTI and have seen people shared their results before, but never bother to do it myself. So, yesterday, I decided to give it a try. Not through the official MBTI website, but from the free ones here. 

To do the test, we have to answer the questions provided. It's a self-reported type of statement with 7-point likert scale (Agree to Disagree). Hehe, had to share this, being a researcher myself. So, we have to choose whether we agree to the statement given and choose our answer on the scale. It was quite a lot of questions, but I'm not bothered by that.

The result was given after we submitted the questions. And it will tell which type of personality do you have, and the percentages of each elements. My test result is;

Introverted - 76%

Intuitive - 66%

Feeling - 76%

Judging - 65%

Assertiveness - 51%

In summary, the result is INFJ-A, or as given by the result, ASSERTIVE ADVOCATE. 

Hmm...no wonder I've been liking those posts in Instagram, it felt close and resonates a lot with me. Coz, I am one too!

Upon knowing my type of personality, I did some reading on what it actually means. To note, I am aware that this result is not everything, I mean, it will not answer everything about me. But, maybe shed some light on who I am in general. Ok, coming back to my reading, after reading a few article on INFJ, I had a realisation. And flashback of memories come flooding me. Some things that happened years ago made sense now. The intuition, the gut-feeling, the isolation, the talking in my head. It all made sense now. I'm grateful that I get to read and understand more about who I am, as a person. It felt like a relief. 

Let see what the 'official' have to say about INFJ personality:

The Advocate personality type is very rare, making up less than one percent of the population, but they nonetheless leave their mark on the world. Advocates have an inborn sense of idealism and morality, but what sets them apart is that they are not idle dreamers. These individuals are capable of taking concrete steps to realize their goals and make a lasting positive impact.

People with this personality type tend to see helping others as their purpose in life. Advocates can often be found engaging in rescue efforts and doing charity work. However, their real passion is to get to the heart of the issue so that people need not be rescued at all. 

Advocates indeed share a unique combination of traits. Though soft-spoken, they have very strong opinions and will fight tirelessly for an idea they believe in. They are decisive and strong-willed, but will rarely use that energy for personal gain.

Advocates will act with creativity, imagination, conviction, and sensitivity not to create an advantage, but to create balance. Egalitarianism and karma are very attractive ideas to Advocate personalities. These types tend to believe that nothing would help the world so much as using love and compassion to soften the hearts of tyrants.

Apparently, we are rare species..ermm. Let's read some of the 'official' result shall we,

Advocates find it easy to make connections with others. They have a talent for warm, sensitive language, speaking in human terms, rather than with pure logic and fact.

It makes sense that their friends and colleagues will come to think of them as quiet Extraverted personality types. However, they would all do well to remember that Advocates need time alone to decompress and recharge, and not to become too alarmed when they suddenly withdraw. Advocates take great care of others’ feelings, and they expect the favor to be returned – sometimes that means giving them the space they need for a few days.

Some final note on INFJ

Really, though, it is most important for people with the Advocate personality type to remember to take care of themselves. The passion of their convictions is perfectly capable of carrying them past their breaking point. If their zeal gets out of hand, they can find themselves exhausted, unhealthy, and stressed.

This becomes especially apparent when Advocates find themselves up against conflict and criticism. Their sensitivity forces these personalities to do everything they can to evade these seemingly personal attacks. When the circumstances are unavoidable, however, they can fight back in highly irrational, unhelpful ways.

To Advocates, the world is a place full of inequity – but it doesn’t have to be. No other personality type is better suited to create a movement to right a wrong, no matter how big or small. Advocates just need to remember that while they’re busy taking care of the world, they need to take care of themselves, too.

Quite a long read there. But, it does summed up the personality well. I can say that 99% of the description fit me to a T. It feels weird to read something written about you so accurately. Especially coming from a personality test result. 

I am glad now that I don't have to wrestle with my thought anymore. And just let it be because it really makes up who I am. And to just be truthful to my intuition and feelings. It's freeing to know that I am not at wrong to have it. I always thought that I am weak for empathising too much to people and my surrounding. I try to push it down, but the more I do it, the more I am beating myself down. In the end, I am losing the battle to myself. I still remember when I was small, I find it hard to hate or be angry with people who do me wrong. In my head, I make up excuses for them to do wrong to me. And in the opposite, I am angry at myself for not capable of being angry to them. Arghh..the confusion. INFJ is said to be hard on themselves more that they do to others. We are forgiving creatures. We like harmony and good relationship. It's just who we are. Despite what people say that being empathetic is a weakness, we use to our strength, and does not view it as a weakness. We value our peace of heart than winning. 

I would recommend you to take the test too, to know and understand more about yourself. Who knows, maybe it'll be a life-changing experience to you.

Love,
Aishah ZA

Coming to a 'Realisation'

I always feel compelled to immediately write my thought processes after coming from Dr Lateef's Advanced Qualitative class. I'm thoroughly inspired and motivated to quickly do all the tips he shared and to try and experience what he said in class.

I believe I'm not alone in this. When chatting with friends post-class, they all felt the same too. They felt energised (not physically, coz it's a night class mind you, but in passion and drive) to explore this new space that we call qualitative study. We're absorbing the class like a sponge. 

Dr Lateef structured the class in a way that make it more interesting to be in to. He usually starts it with some housekeeping. Either he makes a few announcements, or students ask him questions that has been nagging them for a while. And then, we have the presentation from the group assigned. While this go on, he'll chirped in to share his thoughts and describe the issues at hand in a more relatable way. He'll emphasise and re-emphasise points that we should be focusing on and also give useful practical tips on how to address certain issue. What I like about his way in joining or assisting the presentation are his politeness and tact in doing it. He would acknowledge the ideas of the presenter and ask for clarification if need so. He would also open the discussion to any issue he felt relevant and somehow 'force' us to think of the best way to approach it. We would respond to the issue as we know best, and he'll acknowledge it and keep on nudging us to the right direction. Sometimes one of us gets the most suitable response, but sometimes we didn't. In the end, he'll wrap up the discussion by throwing out other possible options and the different context that we can view the issue. He almost never prescribe the 'best' way to do things. He will just guide you on how to think of the best solution in any given situation, this is by having a strong guiding principle in qualitative study that we are learning about.

Pheww! That felt good to be written out. I think I almost never felt a class as inspiring and invigoratingly exciting to my passion and drive before. Everything he said hit the right spot? or maybe it's the timing, now I need it more than before. I dunno. But what I do know is I love his class. 

Ok, so, yesterday was class as usual, and although we have discuss this point a few times before, I felt like it's yesterday that I come to a realisation of what it truly means. Now do I understand it on a deeper level. And it felt almost like I see lights at the end of the tunnel. Hahaha, maybe not to that extent. But, something along that line.

What was it that I have actually come to a realisation about if you ask?
-

That writing is not an end product which you do after you are sure that you have everything you need before you start. Instead, writing is a process in itself. It is a process of generating ideas and thoughts. It forces us to put into words and sentences those abstract ideas in our head. The moment we start writing, that is when our head will start whirring and being active to churn out new ideas. So, this is a cycle that needs to be repeated to reach a level where we are at ease with

 So, that's generally what I have a realisation about. It also answers my question on people who say they are constantly writing their thesis. It actually mean that they are doing a process of thinking, through writing and more writing of their thesis. The writing is the process of reaching to certain understanding of what they are doing. It's not merely something that you do in the end after you are done with the previous phase. But, bear in mind, this view on writing as a way of generating new ideas could be best explain those who are doing a qualitative study. Because the nature of qualitative study makes it an iterative (cycle) process as compared to the quantitative one. Qualitative study also demand the researcher to keep on revisiting the previous point and weaving it nicely together with the new ones in the latter. Which in my point a very difficult thing to do. 

Fuhh...! Still a lot more to do and learn. Till next post then.

Well, a selfie here wouldn't hurt right?

*back to writing my proposal* 😁😁

Aishah ZA

On the Surface

A lot of times upon reading journal article on Qualitative study, I find myself visualising how I want to write my own study when the time comes. It looks linear in my head. I have the idea, I draft it, and the I write the final report. But, when I read more, I find the authors highlighting the challenges in writing up a qualitative study. I would say (in my head) 'emm..is it really THAT difficult?' I know later I'm gonna eat up my own words.

But for now, I have this feeling that I only understand this stuff (qualitative study, writing, design) on a superficial level. It's like now I only am peeking on the surface and there is a lot inside that I have not yet see or understand yet. I am 'viewing' all these qualitative researchers' experience from the outside. I feel I am not yet part of this community of active qualitative researcher. Well, of course I am not, I am only just starting my journey..😆😆 But, I am excited to be part of this. 

Just putting into words what I think after reading the journal for week 10 of class. It talks about writing up a qualitative study report. Hence, my reflection on this.

Totally unrelated pic, but heck, I love how sweet he looks in this pic. Muadz, my hurricane 👻

Of Journaling

These past weeks has been a calm and productive week for me. I've gained back my sense of clarity and focus that was lost amidst all the test and challenges that I faced in the past months. The crisis that I (or maybe we) went through has truly tested my patience and faith in what I believe in. Persevering through it all was not a choice. It is something that needs to be done. I'm glad that I have a supportive circle around me to lend support, motivation and encouragement to soldier on the tough times. Alhamdulillahh.

On a different side of life, a.k.a. PhD student, it has been an enriching learning curve. I've learned so much and am hungry for more. The insight I gained from Dr Lateef class has been invaluable to me. I'm truly inspired and in awe of his depth of knowledge and his handling of the class. May Allah bless you always Dr Lateef. I would definitely sit-in in his class in the future when I've collected my data.

In Adv Quali class.

After taking Qualitative class with Dr Mursyid and now Advanced Qualitative with Dr Lateef, I can say that I'm sold (with using the Qualitative method for my study). Every classes that I attended kind of reaffirm my conviction on wanting to do qualitative study. For some reasons, it felt closer to my heart and my personality. Whatever that means. For a start, I am not that fond of numbers and maths and stats, but I did take it early on in the semester, but to only dropped it later. Coz I don't think I can cope and catch-up my understanding of it. I feel like I'm not 'there' or have not 'arrived' to an understanding that I wish I should. But, for qualitative study, I can really connect to it on some level. It feels like I'm being re-introduced to things that I've known long before. Things that I've always wanted to do and resonates so much with me. Maybe it's the ways Dr Lateef conduct the class that makes me feel this way, or his command of language that every words he said to describe somethings feels satisfying to my ear. Being a language lover myself, correct words can touch and give impact like to numbers can. That's why I think the vocab that Dr Lateef used in class feels 'delicious' and I'm absorbing it as a sponge would.

Now that I'm back to blogging/journaling, I feel the urgency to do it as often as I can now. Partly due to the topic that I learned in class. Reflexivity. It's a measure to ensure the trustworthiness of a qualitative researcher. By being reflexive in our thinking, and by writing out what we feel, see and observe. This will later can be revisited to see the thought process of our thinking. So, this is what I'm doing now I guess. To write our what I think and feel. And to exercise my writing skills and to better put into words things that are abstract. Hopefully I'll be able to be consistent in this part. InshaAllah.

Post-class. Walking to the parking lot to head home. 

Calming the storm

There are a lot of times where I feel overwhelmed. Stumped. Paralysed. I felt like I'm swimming in this endless to-do-list that I will never checked. The fear of starting, and the panic of not finishing it sometimes makes it more overwhelming.

Despite having a lot to do, I can't seem to start. My mind wander to the wildest of places where when I did ended up, I don't even know how I got there. My brain felt like this jumbled up mush, jumping here and there, and me, the owner of it, is at its mercy. 

I have tried calming myself down a lot of times, but although my body did calmed down, my brain did not. It went into overdrive, driving me insane. When I do managed to clear up the brain clutter, I felt as if I'm in this meta-cognitive state, looking down on myself doing things. I don't know what it is actually called, but that't the way I see it.

I'm at lost sometimes, and hating myself for bringing me in this state. But I do know that, I need to crawl myself back up to a more healthy mind-state. I know I can do it, but I needed the time to do so.

Now, I'm trying to be gentle and forgiving to myself and allow myself to slowly build up the 'spark' that has went missing.

Wrapping up Sem 1

Submitting the final project for Qualitative Research for Educational Studies mark the 'official' end of my first semester. Pheww!

The process of conducting the project was bittersweet to me. I got to meet my friends from TESL days. If you are reading this, Hi Awer! Hi Nad! 😄😄 I couldn't really thank you enough for helping me out. What more, ada bekal bawak balik ofis lagi...am so terharu..😭

The bitter part is that some of the recording is deleted! Due to low memory in my laptop. I was horrified when noticing this. Cause, before this, I was always cautious when doing any recording. Usually recording in two devices. But this time, maybe because I'm in a hurry, or maybe because I'm doing it alone, I forgot to do a back up recording. I felt helpless and down for a while. But i decided not to feel that way too long and continued to find other solution to the problem. And in the end, I did find it. Am glad that I didn't let myself feel depress over it too long.

Kakak teman mama submit assignment on a Sunday 😄😄

Took the opportunity to take some pic in the building

Me want pic too..hehe. Thanks kakak for taking a nice pic of mama

I felt like I have grown leaps and bounds this past months; personally, and professionally. I learn to manage my emotions, thought process, and my overall view of things. I've also learn to not be afraid. And too add, I also learn, unlearn, and re-learn things that i thought I knew before. The help, experiences, and support were tremendous. I am forever grateful for it. I really look forward to this feeling and momentum in the future semester. I am writing it here to remind myself why I started, and what I felt now. So that the feelings will never get old.

Some more pics here of the past months.

So, this is the new normal I think. Lugging around super heavy backpack.

For a working student like me, having some time to go the library to sit down and focus on studying is just pure bliss. At the library's carel room.

Post-grad class usually involves some food in between. I love it.

With Dr Murshid of Qualitative research class. His class has been fun and insightful. I think he has single-handedly convinced me to do a Qualitative research design for my PhD. But, too early to tell...we'll see. Hehe. 

That's a wrap I think. Will try to post more in the future to document my journey. InshaAllah. Ending the first semester with a high note and excitedly look forward to the next.