Coming to a 'Realisation'

I always feel compelled to immediately write my thought processes after coming from Dr Lateef's Advanced Qualitative class. I'm thoroughly inspired and motivated to quickly do all the tips he shared and to try and experience what he said in class.

I believe I'm not alone in this. When chatting with friends post-class, they all felt the same too. They felt energised (not physically, coz it's a night class mind you, but in passion and drive) to explore this new space that we call qualitative study. We're absorbing the class like a sponge. 

Dr Lateef structured the class in a way that make it more interesting to be in to. He usually starts it with some housekeeping. Either he makes a few announcements, or students ask him questions that has been nagging them for a while. And then, we have the presentation from the group assigned. While this go on, he'll chirped in to share his thoughts and describe the issues at hand in a more relatable way. He'll emphasise and re-emphasise points that we should be focusing on and also give useful practical tips on how to address certain issue. What I like about his way in joining or assisting the presentation are his politeness and tact in doing it. He would acknowledge the ideas of the presenter and ask for clarification if need so. He would also open the discussion to any issue he felt relevant and somehow 'force' us to think of the best way to approach it. We would respond to the issue as we know best, and he'll acknowledge it and keep on nudging us to the right direction. Sometimes one of us gets the most suitable response, but sometimes we didn't. In the end, he'll wrap up the discussion by throwing out other possible options and the different context that we can view the issue. He almost never prescribe the 'best' way to do things. He will just guide you on how to think of the best solution in any given situation, this is by having a strong guiding principle in qualitative study that we are learning about.

Pheww! That felt good to be written out. I think I almost never felt a class as inspiring and invigoratingly exciting to my passion and drive before. Everything he said hit the right spot? or maybe it's the timing, now I need it more than before. I dunno. But what I do know is I love his class. 

Ok, so, yesterday was class as usual, and although we have discuss this point a few times before, I felt like it's yesterday that I come to a realisation of what it truly means. Now do I understand it on a deeper level. And it felt almost like I see lights at the end of the tunnel. Hahaha, maybe not to that extent. But, something along that line.

What was it that I have actually come to a realisation about if you ask?
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That writing is not an end product which you do after you are sure that you have everything you need before you start. Instead, writing is a process in itself. It is a process of generating ideas and thoughts. It forces us to put into words and sentences those abstract ideas in our head. The moment we start writing, that is when our head will start whirring and being active to churn out new ideas. So, this is a cycle that needs to be repeated to reach a level where we are at ease with

 So, that's generally what I have a realisation about. It also answers my question on people who say they are constantly writing their thesis. It actually mean that they are doing a process of thinking, through writing and more writing of their thesis. The writing is the process of reaching to certain understanding of what they are doing. It's not merely something that you do in the end after you are done with the previous phase. But, bear in mind, this view on writing as a way of generating new ideas could be best explain those who are doing a qualitative study. Because the nature of qualitative study makes it an iterative (cycle) process as compared to the quantitative one. Qualitative study also demand the researcher to keep on revisiting the previous point and weaving it nicely together with the new ones in the latter. Which in my point a very difficult thing to do. 

Fuhh...! Still a lot more to do and learn. Till next post then.

Well, a selfie here wouldn't hurt right?

*back to writing my proposal* 😁😁

Aishah ZA

On the Surface

A lot of times upon reading journal article on Qualitative study, I find myself visualising how I want to write my own study when the time comes. It looks linear in my head. I have the idea, I draft it, and the I write the final report. But, when I read more, I find the authors highlighting the challenges in writing up a qualitative study. I would say (in my head) 'emm..is it really THAT difficult?' I know later I'm gonna eat up my own words.

But for now, I have this feeling that I only understand this stuff (qualitative study, writing, design) on a superficial level. It's like now I only am peeking on the surface and there is a lot inside that I have not yet see or understand yet. I am 'viewing' all these qualitative researchers' experience from the outside. I feel I am not yet part of this community of active qualitative researcher. Well, of course I am not, I am only just starting my journey..😆😆 But, I am excited to be part of this. 

Just putting into words what I think after reading the journal for week 10 of class. It talks about writing up a qualitative study report. Hence, my reflection on this.

Totally unrelated pic, but heck, I love how sweet he looks in this pic. Muadz, my hurricane 👻

Of Journaling

These past weeks has been a calm and productive week for me. I've gained back my sense of clarity and focus that was lost amidst all the test and challenges that I faced in the past months. The crisis that I (or maybe we) went through has truly tested my patience and faith in what I believe in. Persevering through it all was not a choice. It is something that needs to be done. I'm glad that I have a supportive circle around me to lend support, motivation and encouragement to soldier on the tough times. Alhamdulillahh.

On a different side of life, a.k.a. PhD student, it has been an enriching learning curve. I've learned so much and am hungry for more. The insight I gained from Dr Lateef class has been invaluable to me. I'm truly inspired and in awe of his depth of knowledge and his handling of the class. May Allah bless you always Dr Lateef. I would definitely sit-in in his class in the future when I've collected my data.

In Adv Quali class.

After taking Qualitative class with Dr Mursyid and now Advanced Qualitative with Dr Lateef, I can say that I'm sold (with using the Qualitative method for my study). Every classes that I attended kind of reaffirm my conviction on wanting to do qualitative study. For some reasons, it felt closer to my heart and my personality. Whatever that means. For a start, I am not that fond of numbers and maths and stats, but I did take it early on in the semester, but to only dropped it later. Coz I don't think I can cope and catch-up my understanding of it. I feel like I'm not 'there' or have not 'arrived' to an understanding that I wish I should. But, for qualitative study, I can really connect to it on some level. It feels like I'm being re-introduced to things that I've known long before. Things that I've always wanted to do and resonates so much with me. Maybe it's the ways Dr Lateef conduct the class that makes me feel this way, or his command of language that every words he said to describe somethings feels satisfying to my ear. Being a language lover myself, correct words can touch and give impact like to numbers can. That's why I think the vocab that Dr Lateef used in class feels 'delicious' and I'm absorbing it as a sponge would.

Now that I'm back to blogging/journaling, I feel the urgency to do it as often as I can now. Partly due to the topic that I learned in class. Reflexivity. It's a measure to ensure the trustworthiness of a qualitative researcher. By being reflexive in our thinking, and by writing out what we feel, see and observe. This will later can be revisited to see the thought process of our thinking. So, this is what I'm doing now I guess. To write our what I think and feel. And to exercise my writing skills and to better put into words things that are abstract. Hopefully I'll be able to be consistent in this part. InshaAllah.

Post-class. Walking to the parking lot to head home. 

Calming the storm

There are a lot of times where I feel overwhelmed. Stumped. Paralysed. I felt like I'm swimming in this endless to-do-list that I will never checked. The fear of starting, and the panic of not finishing it sometimes makes it more overwhelming.

Despite having a lot to do, I can't seem to start. My mind wander to the wildest of places where when I did ended up, I don't even know how I got there. My brain felt like this jumbled up mush, jumping here and there, and me, the owner of it, is at its mercy. 

I have tried calming myself down a lot of times, but although my body did calmed down, my brain did not. It went into overdrive, driving me insane. When I do managed to clear up the brain clutter, I felt as if I'm in this meta-cognitive state, looking down on myself doing things. I don't know what it is actually called, but that't the way I see it.

I'm at lost sometimes, and hating myself for bringing me in this state. But I do know that, I need to crawl myself back up to a more healthy mind-state. I know I can do it, but I needed the time to do so.

Now, I'm trying to be gentle and forgiving to myself and allow myself to slowly build up the 'spark' that has went missing.

Wrapping up Sem 1

Submitting the final project for Qualitative Research for Educational Studies mark the 'official' end of my first semester. Pheww!

The process of conducting the project was bittersweet to me. I got to meet my friends from TESL days. If you are reading this, Hi Awer! Hi Nad! 😄😄 I couldn't really thank you enough for helping me out. What more, ada bekal bawak balik ofis lagi...am so terharu..😭

The bitter part is that some of the recording is deleted! Due to low memory in my laptop. I was horrified when noticing this. Cause, before this, I was always cautious when doing any recording. Usually recording in two devices. But this time, maybe because I'm in a hurry, or maybe because I'm doing it alone, I forgot to do a back up recording. I felt helpless and down for a while. But i decided not to feel that way too long and continued to find other solution to the problem. And in the end, I did find it. Am glad that I didn't let myself feel depress over it too long.

Kakak teman mama submit assignment on a Sunday 😄😄

Took the opportunity to take some pic in the building

Me want pic too..hehe. Thanks kakak for taking a nice pic of mama

I felt like I have grown leaps and bounds this past months; personally, and professionally. I learn to manage my emotions, thought process, and my overall view of things. I've also learn to not be afraid. And too add, I also learn, unlearn, and re-learn things that i thought I knew before. The help, experiences, and support were tremendous. I am forever grateful for it. I really look forward to this feeling and momentum in the future semester. I am writing it here to remind myself why I started, and what I felt now. So that the feelings will never get old.

Some more pics here of the past months.

So, this is the new normal I think. Lugging around super heavy backpack.

For a working student like me, having some time to go the library to sit down and focus on studying is just pure bliss. At the library's carel room.

Post-grad class usually involves some food in between. I love it.

With Dr Murshid of Qualitative research class. His class has been fun and insightful. I think he has single-handedly convinced me to do a Qualitative research design for my PhD. But, too early to tell...we'll see. Hehe. 

That's a wrap I think. Will try to post more in the future to document my journey. InshaAllah. Ending the first semester with a high note and excitedly look forward to the next.

Hitting the Wall

So, almost four months have passed since I registered for PhD. It has been a whirlwind experience thus far.

The first two months was okay coz work demand was lesser. My workplace and my uni does not have the same semester time. So, when I started in UPM, my the semester at work is just finishing and entering the study week. Good timing in my opinion.  I get to focus on my class in UPM, meeting my supervisor and just channeling my free time for PhD.

But, things started stalling a bit when the new sem starts at work. It has been a crazy balancing act for me. Almost all the time I feel like I'm neither here nor there. When at work I think of my study, when in class at UPM, I think of the backlog of work that needs to be done. So..I'm in this state of daze. It's tiring to say the least.

Not to mention the school holiday that is now. Which overlap with the final weeks of my class in UPM (read; trying to finish up my assignment before the due date), and the new semester at work (read; meetings, final exam setting, etc, etc). I'm torn between wanting to take leave (which I still have a lot) to spend time with the kids, and to want to focus on my study (critical time now) and work.

My mojo has been lost for a while. I feel like there is this huge mental block hanging over my head that stops me from being productive. Like, whenever I want to focus on something, my mind think of the other millions things that I need to settle too, and in the end I did nothing.

I'm still thinking of ways to keep on keeping on. To be consistent in my work/study/life in general. Some sort of flexible structure that can keep me in check of what I need to do/accomplish on a daily basis. Something that can work for me instead of me worrying about it (you get what I mean?) Sighhh...

Alright, enough rant for me. I think I just need to let it out to feel better. I'm gonna list here things that I plan on doing to help me be consistent.

1. Plan the day ahead. As in, write my to-do-list the night before. So I can mentally prepare for it.

2. Divide the to-do-list to smaller chunk of work, instead of general task. (Eg, write; Finish 2 paragraph of assignment 1, instead of finish paragraph 1). It'll make the list more doable and realistic.

3. Set aside at least 1 hour to work on my proposal. Can be divided into; researching materials, updating the mendeley details, outlining ideas, etc, etc)

4. Ask for help. Don't stay in the dark for too long. Try to recognise the symptom of feeling blue/unmotivated, and quickly find ways to overcome it.

That is I think for this time. A lot of things already. I'll try to practice the above list and be more focused, motivated and productive inshAllah.

Pray for me dear friends.

New Journey

So, after years of considering to further my study for PhD, I've finally registered last September. It has been after discussing it with hubby, my superiors at work and also colleagues. I believe now is the right time for me to really commit to PhD. It just feels right.

7/9/2018 

On registration day. Came on the last day. Busy with work. 

The registration was uneventful. Just like any normal day of work coz I took a few hours off to come to UPM. But, I do know deep down that I will not forget it. The butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling never feel old. 

The graduation requirement includes publication. Ngee 

14/9/2018

Went to library introductory course. Despite having been to this library during Masters study, a lot has changed since then. Update of knowledge is always good.

19/9/2018

Oath-taking ceremony for new postgraduate students

I still remember how excited I was on that day. Feeling like a naive new undergraduate on the first day of orientation..(^,^) Oh..I long for these feeling for a long time. A change in the normal routine of work and life. Something to look forward to (or to stress more about I'd say sometimes) apart for the same ol, same ol.

With fellow postgraduate students during the oath-taking ceremony. All smiling, albeit the photobomb guy at the back..hehe

Ohh, just look at us, so happy to be wearing the student hat again. Not knowing what is in store for us in the future. But, we've sworn to work hard and deliver our promises to finish our study no matter what. To keep on persevering in time of hardship. To always be humble with knowledge. And, to contribute our knowledge and expertise to the society when the time comes. InshaAllah.

New journey here I come.

Bismillah.

Don't Freak Out

People love to say that I am always cool. Not that 'cool' cool. But more on having relaxed and composed demeanour at times of trial and hardship. So, yeah..i'm cool liddat. 

But, what people don't know is how I am freaking out (inside) all the time. It just doesn't show. I'm having a nervous breakdown (in my head) and I'm trying hard to keep it cool. 

If you have read or love comics in general, I bet you've come across this genius of a comic The Awkward Yeti which in my opinion sums up what happens inside of me at times of pressure.

Let's check out some of it. 

That's me avoiding reality, and do something else, other than what I am supposed to do..sighh

My tongue is equally evil. Gahh, stop being so bossy Tongue!

Owh heart..if only I can do that.

Till next time..toodles!

On Patience and Perseverance

"Keep On Keeping On"

That's my motto. 

To keep on keeping on, no matter what life throws at you. 

To keep on being patience, and have sabr.

To keep on being perseverance in times of difficulty.

Because, after hardship, there will be ease.

That's the promise of Allah. 

If not the ease in this mortal world, eternal happiness in the garden of eden. InshaAllah.

Comics

Currently binge reading Boulet comics. It is sooooooo awesome! His comics feels oddly familiar. It is as if he is re-telling my childhood in his comics. He has this funny inception-like style in telling his story in the comic. Do give it a read. You'll get hooked for sure. Don't tell me I didn't warn ya.

Interesting ain't it?

Heart to Heart

Our heart is a funny thing I would say. It toss and turn, going up and down, sideways and all to often being very difficult to understand. But, no matter how beaten up it gets, it will continue thriving, amid all the scars. Love our heart, try to understand it and please keep it alive.

Patience

Patience is virtue. Or so they said.

Yes it is. It is.

Continue to have sabr to face the challenges ahead.

It'll be very worth it.

From the Internet

So here's what I found from the internet these past days.

1. Overcoming writers' block. Wow, talk about perfect timing of this article to me. Give it a read, interesting point-by-point of how-to.

2. Taking a time off of your screen is hard? Read this. Tips to break your screen addiction. Yes we all have this addiction, some just good at hiding it. Must-take-eyes-off-screen. While writing this facing the screen. How ironic I know.

3. Boosting productivity through thought processes. Yes, our mind need a little nudge and reminder that we actually really can be really productive. Yes, really.

Till next time.

Fading Ideas

I would do most of my reflection and thinking before dozing off every night. Thinking too much that my brain refused to stop when my aching body just ready to sleep. Bad habit I know. I would get lots of ideas to write on, but as most people do, I just don't have the energy left to write it down on something, lest the ideas would be forgotten the next day. So, I have forgotten everything and would tell myself (again) that I definitely need to write down my thoughts next time.

Throwback Thursday (Do we do it just because these two words ryhme?)

A picture-post would definitely save time innit? Hehe. Here goes.

Yours truly, Muhammad and Muna

Muadz and Maryam

Muna

Totally random pics of us. But, heck, life is random. 

Online Presence

I think it is hard to keep an online presence nowadays. Maybe this is due to the many platforms that we can do so. It is an exhausting process. No wonder even bloggers have managers manning their social media sites.

Thinking of keeping this space active. Would need to do so for future reference.

Till next time.

Sunshine, Dust and The Messanger

I don't know why but this song just makes me want to fly away to Madinah to where the Prophet s.a.w once lived.

Sunsine, Dust and The Messanger

Morning light through the bedroom window. Slow motion dust specks swirling in the sun. I close my eyes, and I'm floating along. Sun - did you warm the face of the Prophet the way you warm mine and make this room glow? Dust - were you brushed from the beard of the Prophet, Returning from Jihad, so long ago? Allahumma Salli `alaa Muhammad Yaa Rabba-l `aalamiin Allahumma Salli `alaa Muhammad Sallallaahu `alaihi wa salam Rain pouring down upon my garden, rhythm for the wind that sings his song. I close my eyes and I'm drumming along. Rhythm of rain - were you once a river, that purified the Prophet before his prayers? Wind - were you a breath form the lips of the Prophet carrying wisdom to thirsty ears? Allahumma Salli `alaa Muhammad Yaa Rabba-l `aalamiin Allahumma Salli `alaa Muhammad Sallallaahu `alaihi wa salam Sharp, clear crescent, light in the blue night. Slipping in silence through a star scattered sky. I close my eyes and I know that I belong. Were you the same moon that lit the way of the Prophet, slipping through the desert on his Hijrah? Stars did you map the way to Madinah, for the blessed Messenger of Allah? Allahumma Salli `alaa Muhammad Yaa Rabba-l `aalamiin Allahumma Salli `alaa Muhammad Sallallaahu `alaihi wa salam I close my eyes, and I'm floating along. I close my eyes and I'm drumming a song. I close my eyes and I know that I belong.

Brother Dawud Wharnsby Ali

Let's Start Over

So this is it. A new start maybe. As always. Who'd knew we'll make it big this time. 

So, do people still write blogs?

I think so Yes!

People read everyday. So, let's have something more for them to read.