Hitting the Wall

So, almost four months have passed since I registered for PhD. It has been a whirlwind experience thus far.

The first two months was okay coz work demand was lesser. My workplace and my uni does not have the same semester time. So, when I started in UPM, my the semester at work is just finishing and entering the study week. Good timing in my opinion.  I get to focus on my class in UPM, meeting my supervisor and just channeling my free time for PhD.

But, things started stalling a bit when the new sem starts at work. It has been a crazy balancing act for me. Almost all the time I feel like I'm neither here nor there. When at work I think of my study, when in class at UPM, I think of the backlog of work that needs to be done. So..I'm in this state of daze. It's tiring to say the least.

Not to mention the school holiday that is now. Which overlap with the final weeks of my class in UPM (read; trying to finish up my assignment before the due date), and the new semester at work (read; meetings, final exam setting, etc, etc). I'm torn between wanting to take leave (which I still have a lot) to spend time with the kids, and to want to focus on my study (critical time now) and work.

My mojo has been lost for a while. I feel like there is this huge mental block hanging over my head that stops me from being productive. Like, whenever I want to focus on something, my mind think of the other millions things that I need to settle too, and in the end I did nothing.

I'm still thinking of ways to keep on keeping on. To be consistent in my work/study/life in general. Some sort of flexible structure that can keep me in check of what I need to do/accomplish on a daily basis. Something that can work for me instead of me worrying about it (you get what I mean?) Sighhh...

Alright, enough rant for me. I think I just need to let it out to feel better. I'm gonna list here things that I plan on doing to help me be consistent.

1. Plan the day ahead. As in, write my to-do-list the night before. So I can mentally prepare for it.

2. Divide the to-do-list to smaller chunk of work, instead of general task. (Eg, write; Finish 2 paragraph of assignment 1, instead of finish paragraph 1). It'll make the list more doable and realistic.

3. Set aside at least 1 hour to work on my proposal. Can be divided into; researching materials, updating the mendeley details, outlining ideas, etc, etc)

4. Ask for help. Don't stay in the dark for too long. Try to recognise the symptom of feeling blue/unmotivated, and quickly find ways to overcome it.

That is I think for this time. A lot of things already. I'll try to practice the above list and be more focused, motivated and productive inshAllah.

Pray for me dear friends.

New Journey

So, after years of considering to further my study for PhD, I've finally registered last September. It has been after discussing it with hubby, my superiors at work and also colleagues. I believe now is the right time for me to really commit to PhD. It just feels right.

7/9/2018 

On registration day. Came on the last day. Busy with work. 

The registration was uneventful. Just like any normal day of work coz I took a few hours off to come to UPM. But, I do know deep down that I will not forget it. The butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling never feel old. 

The graduation requirement includes publication. Ngee 

14/9/2018

Went to library introductory course. Despite having been to this library during Masters study, a lot has changed since then. Update of knowledge is always good.

19/9/2018

Oath-taking ceremony for new postgraduate students

I still remember how excited I was on that day. Feeling like a naive new undergraduate on the first day of orientation..(^,^) Oh..I long for these feeling for a long time. A change in the normal routine of work and life. Something to look forward to (or to stress more about I'd say sometimes) apart for the same ol, same ol.

With fellow postgraduate students during the oath-taking ceremony. All smiling, albeit the photobomb guy at the back..hehe

Ohh, just look at us, so happy to be wearing the student hat again. Not knowing what is in store for us in the future. But, we've sworn to work hard and deliver our promises to finish our study no matter what. To keep on persevering in time of hardship. To always be humble with knowledge. And, to contribute our knowledge and expertise to the society when the time comes. InshaAllah.

New journey here I come.

Bismillah.

Don't Freak Out

People love to say that I am always cool. Not that 'cool' cool. But more on having relaxed and composed demeanour at times of trial and hardship. So, yeah..i'm cool liddat. 

But, what people don't know is how I am freaking out (inside) all the time. It just doesn't show. I'm having a nervous breakdown (in my head) and I'm trying hard to keep it cool. 

If you have read or love comics in general, I bet you've come across this genius of a comic The Awkward Yeti which in my opinion sums up what happens inside of me at times of pressure.

Let's check out some of it. 

That's me avoiding reality, and do something else, other than what I am supposed to do..sighh

My tongue is equally evil. Gahh, stop being so bossy Tongue!

Owh heart..if only I can do that.

Till next time..toodles!