Feelings

To be honest, I feel slightly anxious-overwhelmed-despair to come back to work after two weeks break. It has not been a good break, but I did try to make the most out of it. The first week was spent arranging for class, recording lesson, updating my Padlet, and just corresponding with students on any rising issue. And to update my resume too. It took a while to finish..haven't done so since working where I am now. I forgot what to add, and what to highlight. But, not that some research won't help. I'm glad I did managed to come up with a new updated resume for me to add more in the future. 

So, I'll be going back to work tomorrow. I need to seriously set my mind to finish all the pending tasks when I was gone. So much to catch up on. I am gonna write everything down and tackle it one by one. InshaAllah. I have set my mind to be productive and focus on doing my PhD proposal in any given pockets of free time that I got at work. Need to seriously set a timeline for me. no time to lose anymore. What more, Dr Arshad also gonna retire soon. Need to finish while he's still available. I don't want any other supervisor. I am comfortable working with him..and hope that I can stay with him throughout. 

A totally unrelated pic of when I was in Perth. It was a happy time it was.

Coming back to my feelings...I think I need to write more to let out what I feel. It feels suffocating and burdening to be thinking in my head all the time. I need to learn to process my feelings and emotions better. There will be triggers I know, but I am thinking of an exit plan should it happen, and maybe steps on how I can mitigate the impact of the trigger. I don't think I want to talk about what happened to anyone. Maybe just entertaining their simple questions will be okay. I'm gonna mind my own business at work..just focusing on finishing whatever that I need to do. Not gonna meddle with anymore gossip/etc that's going on at the office. 

I'm done being the victim of office politics. I felt wronged, cheated, betrayed by those I trust. And I won't forgive them. I feel like running away, and start anew at a new place. But, circumstances won't let me. I'll just need to hang on, soldier on, do the best I can, finish my PhD as quickly as I can..and then only I can look for other options. That's the plan for now. 

I will trust my heart to be strong, to keep on keeping on, to heal, and to grow beyond what has happened. It is but a bump in the road of life. Terrified as I may, it is part of Allah's plan. I will just need to trust Him. And to continue praying and hoping for the best and the strength to move on. 

Ahhhhh...it's a relief to be writing this out. Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.....